Love and Garbage

The Bland leading the Blonde

Victoria Derbyshire meets Jacqui (the black sheep of Linda's family) Smith on tomorrow's 5 live phone in.  Perhaps she'll talk to her about those determined to have intimate relations with amputees as she managed to do for a good few minutes this morning with a guest who had written a "misery memoir" (and she never mentioned you know who at all during the whole session).

Anyone fancy joining a mass phone in in a concerted effort to discuss ID cards or 42 day detention?

Australians wouldn't give a XXXX for anything else

Brian Blessed in another hat

Brian Blessed in another hat

An occasional series of Brian Blessed wearing a hat - number 2

An interesting interview with the great man in The Guardian yesterday, and he gets the Melvyn treatment this evening on the South Bank Show (with a podcast to follow no doubt).

Via the wonderful Rob Buckley telly blog, The Medium is not enough, Field Majors Styre and Storr dancing to kung fu fighting

Which is the odd one out?

Soapstar Superstar
Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway
Ant and Dec's Gameshow Marathon
The British Comedy Awards
A Year with the Queen

For many years we have been assured by "sources within the Labour party" that Wendy the Paranoid Android/Ed "I can sing a rainbow" Balls/Yvette Cooper/Douglas "Miss Hoolie" Alexander (*) is an intellectual behemoth, a strategist of previously unencountered ability witha brain the size of a planet.  If only Wendy/Ed/Yvette/Miss Hoolie (*) had a better position, they would cry, then Labour fortunes would revive.  S/he's much better than Jack McConnell/Henry McLeish/a bowl of shreddies/Andy Kerr/Margaret Curran/JAckie Baillie/a chocolate teapot/Tony Blair/Blinky Ben/that fake cabinet minister played by the man whose name we dare not mention/Prudence the Presbyterian (*).

Unfortunately recent events have brought to our attention that Wendy/Ed/Yvette/Miss Hoolie (*) is inept/incompetent/over-promoted/detached from the real world/lacking any meaningful contact with real people.so desparate to outflank his/her (*) political opponents that s/he has no idea what his/her (*) political principles are.

This is so far removed from the prevailing media perceptions leaked to the media by the individuals concerned briefing sympathetic journalists that it is apparent that the media and trusting senior members of the Labour party have been duped on a grand scale.

Despite appearance gleaned from the peculiarly high viewing figures for Britain's Got Talent it appears the general public is less easily fooled.

(*) delete inapplicable.

The Arlene Fraser murder case has been something of a cause celebre in Scotland.  The appeal by Nat Fraser was today rejected, and the summary of the decision filmed for the delectation of the public.  The Beeb have made part of it available on-line here.   Unfortunately they've chosen to excerpt Lord Johnston's summary - when the meat of the argument was in Lord Justice Clerk Gill's speech.  Never mind.  I guess a quick soundbite of agreement is better for the telly than the more substantial reasoned summary of Lord Gill.

I am obviously more famous than I thought.  I received an e-mail today headed "Your selection into Who's Who" from a sender called "WHo's Who Publishing".

So, why does Who's Who want me?

Their e-mail may explain

"Dear [my work e-mail address]

You were recently appointed as a biographical candidate to represent your industry in the Who's Who Among Executives and Professionals, and for inclusion into the upcoming 2008-2009 "Honors Edition" of the registry.

We are pleased to inform you that on April 27th, your candidacy was approved. Your confirmation for inclusion will be effective within five business days, pending our receipt of the enclosed application.

The Office of the Managing Director appoints individuals based on a candidate's current position, and usually with information obtained from researched executive and professional listings. The director thinks you may make an interesting biographical subject, as individual achievement is what Who's Who is all
about. Upon final confirmation you will be listed among thousands of accomplished individuals in the Who's Who Registry. There is no cost to be included.

We do require additional information to complete the selection process and kindly ask that you access this form on our website at:

[deleted]

Sincerely,


Matthew Johnson
Managing Director"

Now, I'm obviously worthy of a place in Who's Who.  I was twice on Border Television, and have published articles on pigeon racing and a number of other subjects.  I've even been quoted on the internet by someone I've never met.  But, this doesn't sound like Who's Who.

Oh, there's a disclaimer at the foot of the e-mail 

"Madison Who's Who is not associated or affiliated with Marquis Who's Who or any other Who's Who.
30-01 Northern Blvd. Long Island City, NY 11101"

Ah, so it's not THAT Who's Who.

Anyway, it doesn't cost anything, so what is the enclosed application?  Well it's a web form where they want my full name, address, &c.  

And there is no cost.  You'll have seen that bit.

So, why when you check through the FAQs on the relevant business website you see that you have to purchase a membership and they provide wall plaques.  Additionally, the nomination process (that led to me, from all the world being chosen) remains shrouded in mystery.

If it looks like phish and smells liks phish, is it phish?

Today marks two years since I started posting hre, after an earlier blogging attempt.  Thanks once again to surliminal for introducing me to Livejournal, and thanks particularly to those on my F-list who have entertained me wonderfully over the past two years.  

As well as marking 2 years of love and garbage, this is also my 1000th post on livejournal.  If you are a regular reader you will probably be aware of my regular content - but to confirm matters here's some tag statistics with my top 20 topics:

1.  television - 165 posts
2. politics - 132 posts
3. scottish politics - 103 posts
4. news - 92 posts
5. tommy sheridan - 86 posts (should hit 100 later in the year)
6. law - 42 posts
7. fake game show - 41 posts
8= doctor who - 36 posts
8= books - 36 posts
10. polls - 35 posts
11. game show - 26 posts
12. sleaze - 25 posts
13. sport - 20 posts
14. jeffrey archer - 18 posts
15. meme - 16 posts
16= darts - 15 posts
16= scottish socialist party - 15 posts
18= stewart stevenson - 13 posts
18= obituary - 13 posts
20. the nature of comedy - 10 posts

Bubbling under Gordon Brown, Hazel Blears, Defamation, The Verdict.

Tags used only once include

obnoxious patronising git, swordplay, ignorance is strength, yes, it's that bloody dance again, drunk on television, does nobody care any more?, cobblers, people are stupid, now wash your hands, really really bad television shows, mindless quiz answers, and val doonican .

I think that collection of tags pretty much sums up what all of this is about.

Tagged by blue_condition

List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now, shaping your spring. Post these instructions in your LJ along with your 7 songs. Then tag 7 other people to see what they're listening to.

I'm not a great music-bod and am currently heavily engaged in the most tedious activity of my year (marking many many papers of students of varying degrees of ability - ever mindful of the thought that this person may be dangerous if allowed near the general public, be more severe ;-) )

The 7 pieces of music I'm really enjoying at the moment are:

Henry Mancini's score for Touch of Evil - Orson Welles as an obese racist cop, Charlton Heston as a Mexican policeman, and Janet Leigh.  What more could you want from a film?  Marlene Dietrich?  well she's in it too.  And it has one of the great film scores.  I popped this on following Heston's death and the score by Mancini is one of his best - particularly the title music, which has kept creeping into my mind as yet another script detonates in front of me.

Bach, Goldberg Variations - marking music.  I listen to the Gould versions, Jarrett's recording on the harpsichord, even the almost dull Turacek recording.  Blissful.

The Beatles, Octopus's Garden - in the car with my children they demand The Beatles as my wife and I have put together a little compilation of Beatles tracks on our MP3 player.  Their favourites are this, then

The Beatles, For the benefit of Mr Kite 

Keith Jarrett's European Quartet - The Wind up (from the Belonging album).  Mr J can be a grumpy sod.  This is joyous, and witty.  I listen to it often.

A few weeks ago BBC4 broadcast a documentary about Al Bowlly, 30s singing star.  Bowlly was something of an obsession for Dennis Potter, who wrote a play about a Bowlly obsessive (moonlight on the highway I think) and Bowlly is a pivotal off-screen figure in Pennies from Heaven.  I bought the soundtrack for Pennies following repeats in the late 80s, replacing my worn out tapes with the CDs 15 years ago.  Following the documentary I picked out the CDs and a couple of songs have found themselves played a few times: 

AL Bowlly singing My Woman with Lew Stone and the Monseigneur Band 

and Dorothy Carless singing Oh you Nasty Man with the Ray Noble orchestra (a very jaunty introduction followed by Ms Carless - sizzling).

For tagging - people that I am curious to find out the musical tastes of:

surliminal, hoiho, lonemagpie, hfnuala, giantweazle, bagrec, and peeeeeeet

(And beyond LJ how about Alastair and Big Rab at the Ben Lomond Free Press given the eclectic interests of each)


PS This is my 999th post here.  Tomorrow, I'll have been resident at LJ for 2 years and hope to make my 1000th post.  Thanks to all who read and to those who comment.

 The justice committee of the Scottish Parliament - and its avuncular Captain Mainwaring like host Bill Aitken - has today backed the idea of compulsory training for judges.  At the moment many judges do go on training courses arranged through the Judicial Studies Unit.

I don't think that training is a bad idea but suggest that as a reciprocal arrangement there be compulsory training for MSPs and MPs - to explain how primary and secondary legislation works, to explain certain fundamental principles of our legal system (the distinction between public law and private law, between reserved powers and devolved powers, what mens rea is, &c).  Until the MSP passes a test on these basic topics they should not be able to participate in committee Stage 1 reports or vote on legislation.  

Perhaps such training would stop some of the stupid questions that end up in the Scottish Parliament Information Centre wasting the time of staff there, subsequently redirected to me and colleagues (formally or informally) and consequently wasting our time too.  

Oh, and it might stop MSPs and MPs (obviously not looking at Bill Aitken) making knee jerk responses to each new tabloid newspaper story demanding criminalisation or legislative action when the conduct is either criminal already, or already dealt with by legislation (sometimes passed by the parliament with a vote from the MP or MSP in question).

SO, Labour are third in the national vote, performing more badly than their previous worst in the equivalent elections 4 years ago.  Now remind me, who's in charge of Labour election strategy again?  (or is it someone else fo local elections?).

Anyway, wee Dougie will be hard pressed to blame this one on Jack McConnell.  Perhaps they'll realise now that the problem is general Labour policy and personalities.

IN September 2006, during the putsch that wasn't, I posted various comments about Gordon Brown, master strategist

"Gordon could not deliver his home constituency with a personally approved candidate in last year's by election.  The opinion polls in Scotland indicate that Gordon's power base in the Scottish heartland is not as it might be - with one opinion poll last month (a rogue but indicative of a trend in favour of the SNP) showing the SNP 8% ahead of Labour.  If he can't deliver his home seat, if he can't deliver 40% of the vote in Scotland (and no matter how he and the sources close to Gordon Brown - including Douglas "Miss Hoolie" Alexander - try to blame Jack McConnell or Blair for the dismal showing in Scotland, the Scottish Labour party has Brown and his influence through it at every level) Brown will never deliver middle England no matter how many times he witters on about his pride in Britishness and how Gazza scored his favourite goal ever.  He's fooling no-one.  His antics, and those of his acolytes, in the past week play badly.  If Labour want to win the next election they should choose someone else. "

And last March wrote

"perhaps the Brownites fail to realise that Gordon has been the co-architect of "the project", solely responsible for the economic policy of the past few years (PFI and all), is an American sympathiser, and pledges to be strong on the terror debate among other things (and the difference with Mr Tony is?)"

in reply to a comment in The Guardian which said

" Mr Brown's supporters argue that he cannot be judged until he becomes leader, not least since he is constrained from setting out his agenda fully."

Well, now Brown is being judged, after he has set out his agenda fully.  

My inclination is strongly anti-Conservative - my concern was that Brown could not ensure the Conservatives did not attain an absolute majority.  Now, I'm really worred.

And Labour supporting friends are starting to say that they view opposition as an opportunity to regroup - well, when you start thinking like that you'll be out of power for a decade.

Courtesy of the late Willie Rushton

Too many cooks on television

During the Apprentice last night the teams were charged with the task of coming up with greetings cards.  The suggestions were:

(A)  Save the planet week - send a card to raise awareness of environmental matters by demanding energy or water saving (suggested by Jenny (the scary one that isn't Irish and likes bullying other women) and then told Clintons she didn't buy cards in order that she could do her bit to save the environment)

(B) Single's Day, sorry Singles Day, no Singles' Day, hang on where does that apostrophe go, if anywhere - I know I'll phone the editor of the Daily Telegraph, he'll tell me - (February 13th - proposed by Raef, the smooth character from Brideshead or Wodehouse, regularly pictured with a cocktail in hand or wearing a dressing gown)

(C) Eid cards - proposed by Sara, the victim of the bullying from Jenny, and a virulent attack on her return to the Big Brother, sorry Apprentice, house by Lee McQUeen (who I like to think of as being one stage removed from Les from Creme Brulee in the LEague of Gentlement)

(D) We have been visited by Aliens cards - proposed by Les, sorry Lee, and featured on the Apprentice - you're fired

(E) Bereavement cards - pitched by Big Al himself in the board room, featuring such delights as "Sorry to hear your husband has been clubbed to death" and "Sorry to learn your twelve year old has been shot outside school"

The teams went with plans (A) and (B).  

Which is the worst idea, and which is the best?

ETA I forgot Helene in the poll - apologies.  If you think she should win add a comment!

ETA for other views see here and the wonderful Anna Pickard liveblog here

Don't believe all you hear about house prices when you see how much 3 bedroom houses in Dollar are being advertised at.





Of course, there's always the possibility that someone has screwed up.

Who's the prize clown that's doing the introductions for the snooker?  After years of the little fat bloke with the curly hair who made guest appearances in the Crucible funnies, accompanying Parrott and Davis, we have a tall guy in a shiny suit who sounds like he's been seconded from the tannoy announcements in Asda.

Examples this evening,

"and he was el champione in 2002" (to introduce the slowest player since the retirement of Eddie Charlton Peter "COME ON" Ebdon, whose fist clenching hysterics in some matches suggest a man who's spent rather too long watching and rehearsing that scene from When Harry met Sally).

"Put away those matches because he's dynamite" to introduce Ryan Day (whose deep set eyes reminscent of a Crimewatch videofit suggested "put away those matches because he's got three convictions for arson" would have been more appropriate.

My enjoyment of my protracted viewing of the snooker - flicking between channels 301 and 302 on freeview (like those folk sitting behind the curtain separating the tables in the first three rounds of Crucible action) - has been hampered by this buffoon.

Anyway, last night in "The OUtlaw" (as said buffoon christened him) Joe Swails (see what he did there - that's the PArtridge type levels he reaches) against Liang Wenbo the final five frames were as exciting as anything at the Crucible since 1985 and almost made up for the torment of enduring the Graeme Dott - Peter Ebdon final in 2006.